Like a Memory
by RenaRoo
Summary: Chromedome did it. He did it. He did it for Rewind. But how can he ever learn to do it for himself?


I still have so many unresolved Chromedome and Rewind feelings guys. I need more healing and fallout from the Dominus stuff and until I get it I'm just gonna keep pouring my soul into fixit fics where these two learn to talk to each other lol

Transformers and related properties © Hasbro  
story © RenaRoo

 **Like a Memory**

He did it. He did it for Rewind.

Ratchet set his tools aside and tilted his head, looking intently at Chromedome in that way that felt like a full blown inspection at a glance. "Move all of your fingers for me again, one more time."

Chromedome's arms were sore from the shoulder down, as he expected. The connection of imbedded needles ran far up along his circuits so as to give his processor a direct connection when he used them. For a full amputation, those circuits had be entirely removed. And there was a cruel pang in their place with his pain receptors back on.

Still, he knew better than to test Ratchet's patience with medical orders.

Slowly, Chromedome lifted up both of his hands to the level of his wheels and began moving each finger, one by one, testing out their full flexibility, and flinching each time a bit of pain shot through his wrist as a result. It wasn't much — definitely not as much as he _expected._ But it was still amazing how much more taking something _out_ had more lasting pain than putting the modifications _in_ to begin with.

"Still not one hundred percent so I'm going to turn your receptors down another ten percent and ask you to come back in in about a cycle so we can try upping them," Ratchet prescribed, pulling out a tablet from the nearby operation table and taking notes for himself. "You'll be slightly numbed until then, so just take it easy, and don't do any activities that require a lot of hand strain. Does your altmode use those joints in lateral motion or longitudinal?"

A bit dazed at what had just been done to him, Chromedome stared at the backs of his fingers, then turned them around to see the marks of the needles' removal. "Neither. They fold into my undercarriage," he finally answered.

"Good, then I can still remind you to exercise your t-cog when you can," Ratchet said, shutting the tablet down and putting it back down before looking at Chromedome. "This was the right thing, you know. It was the next step."

"I'm still talking to Rung," Chromedome blurted out before he could stop himself. "He's not… I know he says he's not licensed but he said I was a friend who needed a friend like him to talk to still. So…"

Fortunately, Ratchet just nodded so Chromedome could turn off his vocalizer without further embarrassment.

"That's good, too," Ratchet said. "Still, as much as the urges can get even with therapy, it's good to cut yourself off from the ability to act on them."

"Yeah," Chromedome said, looking at the holes. They were just so… _empty._ "Yeah."

"Chromedome… _Tumbler,"_ Ratchet said, truly getting the mech's attention. "Addiction, whether it's to boosters or a sense of danger or _mnemosurgery_ — it's not _easy._ It's not _simple._ And you're supposed to go to your friends for help. It's how it works. It's what you're supposed to do. And, trust me, _everyone_ on this ship wants better for you. _Everyone."_

"Thanks, Ratchet," Chromedome answered before easing onto his pedis from the berth just enough so that he could lean forward and allow Ratchet access to his pain receptors. "I'll keep that in mind."

Ratchet huffed and quickly worked his magic before letting Chromedome leave, but even with the pain receptors tuned down, Chromedome still felt something empty.

No one had asked him where Rewind had been, why the minibot wasn't glued right to his side like any time before. And maybe that was because Ratchet and Velocity's medical crew seemed to have at least _some_ sense of decorum about them despite appearances otherwise.

He doubted it was because no one was curious.

But the truth was, Chromedome hadn't told Rewind yet. And that was for a simple reason.

Rewind would know why Chromedome did it. That it was for _him_. That it wasn't for Chromedome's own sense of mind. But for his partner's, his conjunx.

And Rewind would consider that a failure.

* * *

Chromedome reached their shared habitat by the time a crowd was pouring out. The usuals were there — Cyclonus, Tailgate, Whirl, Swerve, Nautica, Brainstorm. Everyone seemed flighty and with bright complexions from no doubt a healthy amount of energon consumed.

Still, Brainstorm wavered on his pedis and swung back when he noticed Chromedome standing off to the side, awaiting for others to leave the door. His oldest friend looked him over suspiciously and put a hand to his facemask.

"You look thinner," Brainstorm commented, as if he was not the only one who knew exactly where Chromedome had been for the last few hours.

"I see your sense of wit is unchanged," Chromedome replied flatly, crossing his arms though flinching at the slight tinge of pain that reverberated up his arms as a result. It was going to take a while for him to adjust to that — Ratchet hadn't been kidding about going easy on his arms for a while.

At Brainstorm's stop, Nautica also turned to face Chromedome, though her tipsiness was a bit more flushed and pronounced. She quickly smacked a hand on Brainstorm's shoulder to assist in her lean in toward Chromedome. "Hey there! You weren't here for the party! Everyone noticed! You almost never miss movie nights! But some were saying you used to a long time ago, like _way_ before I joined the crew. That's weird. That's suspicious! You shouldn't worry Rewind. He's so sweet and small."

"Yeesh," Brainstorm commented, though there was obvious amusement in his voice as he held onto Nautical's hand and began to put more of her weight on him. "And here we thought you blurted things out _without_ the high-grade." The engineer then looked almost apologetically toward Chromedome. "Oh uhhh. No secrets were revealed, but your absence was _definitely_ noticed. So. Good luck with that."

"You're my useless friend," Chromedome said firmly as Brainstorm began half-carrying Nautica away.

"Please, I'm your _best_ friend," Brainstorm half sung.

Once it was clear that no more guests were on their way out, Chromedome entered into his and Rewind's room, finding the minibot in the midst of clearing up the mess that had been left.

"Hey, sorry it took so long," Chromedome attempted to say casually. He walked over to the mess and leaned over to scoop some of the debris left by their friends. Searing pain caused him to flinch at the first heavy object he gripped, so he readjusted his hold until it was a duller pain then continued with cleaning up.

By the time he had enough to throw into the waste bin, he realized that Rewind was holding the bin and staring directly at him with a definite squint to his optics.

"What?" Chromedome asked.

"I couldn't contact you for _four hours,"_ Rewind told him, still holding the bin. "That's _not_ okay, Chromedome."

"Chromedome?" he repeated, finally stepping forward and depositing the trash in the bin. "Not _Domey?_ Am I in trouble here?"

"I don't know, _are_ you?" Rewind asked thinly. "Why did you turn off your radio for _four hours?"_

For most of it, Chromedome had been gracefully unconscious — offline while Ratchet performed the vast majority of the untangling of his neural net that had been connected to his needles for over four millennia. But that was going to come with a _lot_ of additional questions that they probably weren't ready for entirely.

"It was fine, don't worry," Chromedome attempted. "Though I've never looked more forward to a berth in my online life."

Rewind never ended his stare before finally turning and walking with the bin over to the subspace recycler. He said nothing as he opened it and threw the trash all in together. Then, just for extra measure, he gave the door to the recycler an extra hard slam shut.

Standing in the middle of their room, Chromedome felt exhausted and concerned all at once. "Rewind, is there something you want to talk about?"

"No," Rewind said. "I mean, yes. Obviously. But I'm not _Brainstorm_ so I guess I have to live with the fact that _you_ don't want to talk about it with _me."_

With a long sigh, Chromedome put the palm of his hand against his helm. "Ah, geeze. What'd Mister _Brains_ say?"

"That's the funny part, he didn't have to. I can just tell, because I'm not an idiot, and I've read what's happened on this ship before," Rewind answered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Chromedome asked just before the lights went out. "Oh, come on, Rewind."

"I know how this goes, Chromedome, and it makes me sad that you think you can be behind my back and I not notice it," Rewind said resoundly.

"Well, don't be sad," Chromedome reasoned, walking to the side of Rewind's berth and setting himself on the floor beside it. Even if Rewind were to lay down, he would be eye level with Chromedome. "Let's talk."

Rewind sat with his legs hanging over the edge for a long moment before he ducked his head down and shuttered his optics. He was hugging his shoulders, as if closing himself off knowing that Chromedome wanted nothing more than to reach out to him.

"I'm mad at myself," Rewind confessed. "And I'm mad at you for not being more mad at me."

Completely caught off guard, Chromedome tilted his helm. "Wait what?"

"Why are you so incapable of of getting mad at me unless it has to do with my own safety? Why can't you get frustrated and angry and tell me when I'm wrong, when I'm treating _you_ wrong?" Rewind asked, hugging himself even tighter. "Why do you have to feel like I need _protection_ instead of feeling like what I need is a good whack to the processor? Why are you _so good to me?"_

Not sure where all of this had come from, Chromedome leaned in. "Rewind, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm going to assume the answer is what it always is — it's that I love you—"

"You don't have to tell me you love me," Rewind snapped. "It's _me._ I never say it enough. I never let you know that I learned a millennia ago that my universe revolved around you. And that the only time I could ever be happy would be knowing that you _understood that."_

The words struck Chromedome like a haunting chorus. They were a rearranged hymn from a time he preferred to never remember again. They were…

They were a goodbye he never hoped to hear again.

"I know you love me," Chromedome said firmly. "Sometimes I don't tell you things… I don't tell you things because I know it'll disappoint you. Because I know that you are hurt when you're angry with me. Because I know you're hurt right now… that you've been hurt since Dominus—"

"Oh my _Primus!"_ Rewind cried out, throwing back his head and putting his hands to the air. "You still don't get it—"

"I know, I shouldn't have brought it up," Chromedome tried to hush him.

"No, Domey!" Rewind continued, burying his face into his hands. "Dominus… I loved him the way you love a first love. He gave me a _life_ he gave me a _direction._ But when it came time for him to go on his path, he _left me behind._ He went where I couldn't follow, where I couldn't even _know._ And I needed to understand why, needed closure because nothing hurts more than losing something you loved." He looked back to Chromedome, optics blazing with emotion. " _Loved._ Past tense. Former. Gone."

"I know the definition," Chromedome assured him.

"Then you know that when I say _I love you,_ you know I mean now. Today. Here. This moment," Rewind pressed.

"I try to," Chromedome responded. "And maybe that's not good enough but…" he reached out timidly and closed his hand over one of Rewind's, "I like to think that someday I'll be able to know without question, to… love myself like you love me and I love you. I'm _trying._ And I hope someday that's good enough…" he paused, the tingling of his hand preventing him from tightening his grip any more on Rewind's hand. Though he tried. "I don't want to worry you. Just… I took steps toward doing that today."

Rewind looked at Chromedome. "Why can't you share it with me?" he asked.

"Because…" Chromedome began to think of what he had before — how he still couldn't perform anything in self-care purely for _himself_ , that he couldn't stop his suffering because he cared enough about _himself,_ that it all still stemmed from wanting it for _Rewind._

And finally it occurred to Chromedome why that seemed so wrong to him — just like Rewind's words felt like a looming shadow of a memory he wished to take away. The other Chromedome, is twin from another space and time, had acted not in his own self interest. And it had left Rewind destroyed, just as Rewind's death had left Chromedome destroyed.

They had to stop being memories. They needed to be _changes._

"I had the needles extracted today," Chromedome answered at last.

Rewind's head moved so fast to look at Chromedome the joints clicked. "What?"

Chromedome let go of Rewind's hand and held up his own, showing the aching adjustments that were still stinging. "They were built into my neural net ages ago, as you know, so it had to be a full operation. Take a while. It stings a bit, but Ratchet always does great work. But… I can't perform surgery anymore. The… taste of it, it's still there. The hunger. But… I can't do it myself anymore. I cut myself off. Literally."

The minibot looked utterly shocked before straightening up. "You… I would've been there for you, Domey! You know I'd support you. That's…"

"Something you wanted, but I never did," Chromedome admitted candidly. "And you know that… I'm trying for _you_ , still. Not for… not for myself. And that's why I didn't tell you. Because I didn't want you to see how much I still don't care for myself enough. Even though I'm trying—"

Rewind threw himself from the berth and wrapped his arms around Chromedome's neck, burying his face into Domey's shoulder as he did so. Chromedome could only react enough to catch him and wrap his own arms around Rewind.

"I love you, I support you, and I will remind myself to say it every single day until you love yourself, too, you big, aggravating, loving, self-sacrificing dummy," Rewind told Chromedome firmly. "That's my promise to you from this day on.

Chromedome didn't have words to respond with, so he held his conjunx even tighter, ignoring the pain.

Addiction was painful every step forward, after all. But he wasn't doing it alone.


End file.
